Say Hello

There was a moment in 2021 when I decided to strip.

I wiped the makeup off my face, took the braids out of my hair, the polish off my nails, and piece by piece unclothed the shame, resentment, anger, fear, and lack of love that I’d been carrying for so long.

The weight of my past, my mistakes, my regrets, had to be worked off. The weight… could not be carried by the woman I was becoming. It was no longer a requirement to continue to wear all the ill-fitting baggage that had kept me uncomfortable and in pain.

A transformation was happening. I shed, and here I am, becoming.

On December 10th, I sat on a video call with my therapist where we talked about my growth over the past year and a half that we’d been working together.

I looked at her and with some hesitation and tears surfacing, said “I’m happy… I… am really happy. And it feels weird. It feels foreign, and it’s how I know that for so long, I’ve never been truly happy, because this feeling, is not one that I believe I’ve felt about myself before. But I want to be able to live in this for a while because it feels good.”

And she looked at me and said “And I hope you continue to believe that you deserve to be happy.”

Believe. Deserve.

For so long I questioned if the work I’d been doing was worth it. If baring the details of my life that have crushed me most to a complete stranger would be worth it this time. If the changes would happen, if life would be different, if the depression would subside, if the hurt and anger would go away. If… I could finally find space to forgive myself and move on. I’d been on the same path for so long, but could never quite reach a milestone. I knew that this time it would require the all of me that I wasn’t sure I was ready to give. The all of me that was ultimately holding me back.

Simply put, this past year spent bare, was worse than uncomfortable. And I showed up bare to every occasion, and with grace, I managed. Managed to be vulnerable, to relive, to be triggered, to be embarrassed, to be honest (with self most importantly), to be challenged, to question, to speak up, to feel deeply, to prosper, and…to walk away.

I managed how to love myself first through it all.

I did the work, and I am actively doing the work that helps me continue to grow into the person, the woman, that I’ve needed to show up for me my whole life.

I’m happy…because I’ve learned that things fall apart and can be put back together. I finally know what life on the other side of my past can look like.

It looks like ease.

Ease.

My needs are met and everything I want, I will have.

Happy New You.